While there are several perks that come with being a parent, many of us are familiar with the pressure that comes with it... especially now. Let's face it, the current pandemic has established for most, a new family dynamic that may have been difficult to adjust to. Or maybe not... because the truth of the matter is the changes have also been good for some of us on some level.
Nevertheless, I have personally found myself significantly challenged as a parent within the last year. In light of the pandemic, I began working from home, which I perceived as a dream come true. I went from having to put my son in daycare for 7-8 hours a day while I worked, to being able to keep him home with me while I work. The mileage rate on my car decreased , and I was also able to complete my Master's degree. However, where convenience and accomplishments abound, as a single mother, a decrease in my standard of parental capacity ensued.
I started noticing in myself something I'd learned about during my time working with DSS - professionally coaching parents as they worked towards reunification with their children. I myself was falling into what's known as the Perfect Parent Trap and the Martyr Trap. Since there is no such thing as a perfect parent, trying to be one can cause stress and frustration. Martyr trap is when a parent neglects their own need for companionship, recreation, and privacy because they are so involved in parenting. As a result, relationships and friendships tend to suffer and the parent may begin feeling resentful. Martyr parenting does not equate to quality parenting.
3 ways to avoid falling into the Perfect Parent or Martyr Traps:
Realistic expectations- As you grow through parenting, remind yourself that mistakes are normal. Root the expectations of yourself in competency instead of perfection. Do the same for the expectations of your child. It is far less stressful to strive for reasonable behavior from your child instead of perfect behavior. EXAMPLE: During trips to the grocery store, my bar of success is that my 3 year old didn't knock down a display of produce or poke a hole in a meat package, not he didn't ask for cookies on every aisle.
Enjoy your child- Spend a few minutes each day having fun with your child and enjoying their company. There are few things that bring as much joy as a homemade or 99 cents bottle of bubbles.
Take care of yourself- Spending a bit of time away from your child is healthy. When your own needs are met, caring for your child can feel less daunting. Even a few minutes to yourself a day, can make a huge difference. Your needs are no less important just because you become a parent. In fact, it's the exact opposite! My go-to, even when I only have a few minutes, is to quietly sip tea on the couch while my 3 year old plays in his room or enjoys a little screen time. -Ren
